I'm really sorry. And thanks for ur companion all these times, especially when I'm emo-ing and down. Thanks for those meaningful words u have told me.
Been repeating n repeating the 'routine', disgusted and hatred feelings arousing from deep within. Felt so helpless sometimes yet have to convince myself it's all okay, and everything will be alright after this. "Yep, alright alright...everything is okay"..consoling myself with all these fake statements..for uncountable times, till I-dunno-when.
Well, afterall it's something which I have no choice but to encounter it with my own will, no matter how unwillingly I am. It's me that have this started, so perhaps it's me to have this confronted, and stand strong whatever it will happen in future. However, fear did beat me down, swallowing me up, in it's endless and bottomless pit.
So many problems and matters pushing me around, I prayed and begged hard for everything to be alright, really. Though it might be hard, whatever it takes, I have gotta strive hard to overcome it. Afterall it's what life's all about. Right? I think I know what I have to do. But is it right? I have no idea...none at all... I juz have to do what I can, the rest of them juz leave it to fate. I can feel my stomach squirming everytime I thought of what will I get if the worse comes to worst. Every promises u said still ringing in my ears, giving me the strength to hold on, to move on. Though certain things you don't really understand how hard it'll be for me.
I'm sick of explaining again and again for what I am doing and what I will do. High expectation and heavy burden placed, every little thing I did I have to think over and over for so many times. Really hate to have their heads turn away from me. I know I'm wrong again and again, stumbling over the same mistakes, confidence level gets lower and lower, and lower again...Not that I don't wanna have confidence in myself, I'm so tired and fear of falling down on the the same spot, cutting the same wound. Started closing myself up from certain things, not that I dun wanna learn new things and mix around, juz that I need some rooms for myself also. I love to mix with people around me, my friends..Yes I really do, but I dun like to repeat the routine, greeting people and acting so formalish. What's the point of faking all these? Isn't it better if I stay away when I don't want to do all that?
Owh well...no matter we like or dislike, it's reality. Nothing we can do to run away from it, or to hide ourselves from the things that gonna happen. Wishing that I could have all these problems settled.
It's hard for us to meet someone that is important in our life, it's even harder for us to maintain the relationship. Appreciate every little thing we have.